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Invest in yourself this Valentine!
Get Out of the Rut of Negative Self-Talk!
These days we often hear statements like, you are what you eat or what you think is how you feel. While they are irritating, on closer inspection, they do hold truth.
Our internal dialogue reflects our deep underlying beliefs and assumptions concerning ourselves, others and life (often erroneous) give rise to the type of dialogue we have within, in response to any particular situation. Our perceptions, thoughts and self-talk form the basis of our feelings and behaviour. If they are negative, the way we respond to situations or people can often be self-defeating or unhelpful.
Picture this: Two women are sitting in a doctor's waiting room and it becomes apparent that the doctor is running late with her appointments. The one woman thinks to herself This is an outrage! I can't put up with it. I have better things to do than sit around waiting for the doctor. Frustrated she then looses her temper with the receptionist. The second woman muses philosophically that these things happen and takes the opportunity to sit back and relax.
Mistaken beliefs and negative self-talk need to be addressed and replaced with a more rational belief system and positive counter statements. This will yield a calmer approach to dealing with life's many stresses.
For example, the woman in the doctor's waiting room could change her inner dialogue to I can manage this if I try, and this isn't an outrage but just an ordinary part of life's frustrations, which are not going to get the better of me.
Understanding Negative Self-Talk.
- It's automatic; so you react without noticing what you told yourself before you react that sigh when your child ignores you again, speaks to your feelings of defeat and the misgivings you may have as to your capabilities as a parent. Only when you relax, step back and examine what you're telling yourself can you see the connection between self-talk and your feelings.
- It appears in telegraphic form, e.g. "Oh no!" One short word contains a whole series of thoughts, memories and associations e.g. the woman spills her wine and the expletive that follows could contain the negative talk, "You're so useless. You never get anything right." Identifying self-talk requires unraveling distinct thoughts from a single word or image.
- It's irrational but almost always sounds like the truth, e.g. "what if" statements lead you to expect the worst outcome, and because the association occurs quickly and goes unchallenged, the validity of the thought process is not evaluated.
- Negative self talk perpetuates avoidance, which reinforces the thought which leads again to avoidance "I can't ever get in a lift again."
- It can initiate or aggravate a panic attack.
- It's a series of bad habits and is learnt, which means it can be unlearnt by replacing unhealthy thinking with more positive supportive mental habits.
You Can Reverse the Cycle.
Negative self-talk is an accumulation of self limiting mental habits that can be broken. Note down each time you engage in unconstructive dialogue (preferably in writing) and counter each statement with a more positive, rational one. Then internalize these positive and true thoughts and thus attain a more constructive, helpful way of thinking.
Steps to identifying and countering self-talk.
- NOTICE catch yourself in the act of engaging in negative self-talk. Be aware of situations or events that precipitate it.
- STOP ask yourself any or all of the following questions.
- "What am I telling myself that is making me feel this way?"
"Do I really want to do this to myself?"
"Do I really want to stay upset?" or more specifically, "What is the evidence for this, am I looking at the whole picture and am I being fully objective?"
- RELAX disrupt your train of negative thoughts by breathing or by using some method of distraction. Example; pray, sing, reciting a poem or imagine something beautiful.
- WRITE down the negative inner dialogue that led to the upset, anxiety or depression. Disentangle thoughts from feelings by writing down feelings first and then uncover the thoughts that led to them.
- IDENTIFY the type of self-talk i.e.
The worrier (promotes anxiety) and the favoured talk is "what if?"
The critic (promotes low self-esteem) and uses expressions like "you're pathetic/stupid."
The victim (promotes depression) and exclaims "I can't" or "I'll never be able to" or
The perfectionist (promotes chronic stress or burnout) and says "I should."
- LOOK FOR COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS:
- overestimating a negative outcome (expecting the worst e.g. you have made a mistake at work and so you convince yourself that you are going to be fired),
- catastrophising (that a negative outcome would be a DISASTER! e.g. Thinking that if you indeed did get fired you would NEVER be able to handle it, your spouse or parents would NEVER be able to forgive you etc.),
- overgeneralizing (which assumes that if you've had a bad outcome once it will always be so in similar situations e.g. Someone has betrayed you or been deceitful so you believe that everybody in relationship with you is also behaving in the same manner) and
- filtering (where a person selects out and focuses on one negative aspect or filters out the positive e.g. A compliment is given regarding a meal but because it was also remarked that the gravy was a bit lumpy, the whole meal is deemed a failure).
- ANSWER or dispute your negative self-talk with positive, rational, self supporting statements.
What we say to ourselves determines our mood and feelings. The good news is that with the renewal of our minds, where we exchange distortions for truth, rationality and objectivity, we can be free of negative self-talk and have a transformed approach to life.
Joyce Meyers says that your attitude is your thought life turned inside out and that it is this (your attitude) that you present to the world. Whatever your attitude is, you attract to yourself. Most of us want to attract harmony, goodness and love so that we can impart this to others.
Gail Coyne.
Nat.Dip: Clin.Path. Nat.Dip: Microbiology.
Psychology 3yrs (Cornerstone),
Family Mediation (FAMAC)
Courses: Narrative Therapy, Play Therapy and Family Systems BUVTON (Stellenbosch)
Tel: 0217882039
Mobile: 0722276046
Email: vcoyne@iafrica.com
Bibliography
Bourne, E.J. 1990.The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook
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